I’ve managed to YET AGAIN alienate people in the healthcare industry! I think I deserve some kind of medal!

First it was my OBGYN when I was pregnant with my older child. He didn’t like that I diagnosed myself with low progesterone until he did a blood test to make sure and sent me running to the pharmacy for progesterone suppositories so I could maintain the pregnancy. Then it was my OBGYN when I was pregnant with my younger child. I decided I didn’t like HER managing my pregnancy. You know the type: when you ask to see the chart, see the tests, they get very nervous and busy. Damn hippie me wanted to actually manage the pregnancy, thank you very much, because I love to get snarky with doctors who are too busy to give me their time yet bill my insurance with wild abandon. Midwives are so much cooler anyway.

Then there was the time I fired my pediatrician. He actually had the audacity to try to tell me how I should be raising my child! “She shouldn’t sleep with you.” “Give her formula at night so she’ll sleep.” Who the hell are you to try to give me lifestyle lessons? Did you get a degree in mothering MY child? I don’t think so. Give my kids shots. Take care of their health concerns. But keep your damn mouth shut when it comes to topics that lie outside your medical expertise!

This time, I’m pretty sure I pissed off the nurse practitioner and at least one receptionist in my primary doctor’s office when I insisted on talking to my DOCTOR about an organ that may need to be surgically removed. Apparently, the NP thought it was fine to telephone me and say something incredibly inane such as, “Oh, your gall bladder looks OK, despite some funky substance in it, and if you still have pain in two weeks, you need to talk to a surgeon. Thanks, bye!” Ummm, hold on there, sister.

I then left three, THREE messages for the NP, telling her I needed way more information. The receptionist who took my calls now hates me. I lucked into getting the last appointment between now and the apocalypse, apparently, so that I could talk to my doctor about the problem. So I told the nurse that I needed an appointment with the doctor. Her response? “Umm, why?” “How about because I want to hear all the information, look at all the tests, come to my own conclusion about what’s going on inside my own body?”

When I went in to see the doctor, she had actually read my chart just prior (surprise!) and was familiar with my case (more surprise!). I made her define terms, give me alternatives I could live with, and I made her come halfway toward my way of thinking instead of the doctor’s knee-jerk solution to all things medical: just send ‘em to surgery! At the end of the appointment, she remarked how surprising it is to work with someone who is as invested in her own healthcare as I am. I reminded her and her nurse that in the future, the NP can take care of the mundanities: the colds, the bronchitis, the shots. But if we’re talking about an organ, just elevate me to the doctor’s care. Thanks.

My experience made me wonder just how the average person manages his or her healthcare. When I told the doctor I put myself on an extremely lowfat diet and cut out butter, margarine and dairy, she looked completely shocked. I know that most patients just want to be given a pill, just want to have surgery, so they can get back to living the way they want. Isn’t that the American dream? A car in every driveway, a pill for every ailment? I think healthcare professionals aren’t used to patients who are OK with taking the long road toward health instead of the shortcut.

Why do we trust those in healthcare to do what’s best for us? Because they have advanced educations? What if they were like me in college: drunk a whole lot of the time, cramming for exams hours before to get pretty good grades, spending financial aid on new shoes, reading Cliff’s Notes to get the gist of a book and extrapolating the rest, kicking ass on the essay mostly because I’m a damn good bullshit artist. What if my nurse practitioner was a B student? Am I supposed to take HER word for it not to worry about my gall bladder? I might as well look in the mirror and tell myself the same. I’m sure my insurance company would love it!

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