I have discovered a new contraceptive, one that even the Catholic Church may support. Americans will embrace this idea with gusto, and it’s possible that the politicians may climb on board once they discover that not only is there very little cost associated with putting it into practice, but that it also further endorses western culture’s love affair with the wheat industry.

No slippery substances or unnatural unctions. No barriers. This method is safe, unless you suffer from celiac disease.

Well, actually, it’s not so much a method as a life-transforming ingredient.

It’s pasta. Actually, it’s the MAKING AND EATING OF HOMEMADE PASTA.

Pasta Recipe for 3-batches (to feed up to 4 adults):
3 cup flour (you can do up to 2c whole wheat, and 1c white)
3 tsp olive oil
3 egg
9 tsp water + (keep adding until desired consistency)

To make:
Clean off your countertop. Pile flour in three mounds in a circle. Make a “bowl” in the center. Crack eggs and add to center bowl. Add oil on top of flour mounds. Start blending with a pastry cutter or with hands. Add water 1 tsp at a time while kneading until dough is one color and adheres into a ball. This may take some time. Then split dough ball up into manageable parts. *Start up your Kitchen Aid with the rolling attachment. Start with the lowest number on the pasta thickness roller and move up. For example, pass dough through 3 times on 1, 3 times on 2, 2 times on 3, 2 times on 4, once on 5. Change out roller for the fettucine cutter attachment. Pass through cutter, hanging cut noodles to dry on a pasta drying rack.

To cook:
Boil water. Add pasta. Cook for 3 minutes. Put in strainer.

To Alfredo:
In a separate saucepan, melt 1 cup butter. Add 1 cup whole cream. Let mixture boil, stirring constantly. Add 1.5 cups shredded parmesan and stir until melty. Add dash salt. Add another 1/4 cup parmesan and simmer until melty. Put drained pasta right into the saucepan with the alfredo. Mix completely. Pour into pretty bowl, sprinkle more shredded parmesan on top. Serve.

When dinner is complete, clean up the mess. This may take some time. Then crawl to your bedroom and get into bed. Your partner will do likewise. Make such meals often and you will be too lethargic to make anything more than deep snoring sounds when in bed with a loved one. See? The perfect contraceptive! 100% safe.

Sleep well, and remember: Don’t make love. Make PASTA!

*You don’t NEED a Kitchen Aid. You can use a rolling pin and a sharp knife. It’s just not as fun.

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