The war turns literal


The sibling rivalry has become an epic battle of wits. Disagreements are often solved either with screaming–in which I get to intervene before it becomes hitting–or rock, paper, scissors. You’d think the 6 year old would hold the upper hand here, but the 4 year old knows how to strategize, and wins the battle 4 out of 5 times. And then it descends into screaming. Lather, rinse, and repeat.

But don’t disregard that older child. Oh, no. Don’t do that. She may not win at strategizing her victories, but she’s the queen of passive aggressive. *Snf* that’s my girl!

Because, you see, the kindergartener can express herself using words. She has conquered the feat of sounding out words and using them, a secret code if you will, against her sister. Her sister who cannot yet read. Do you feel the power?  

I give you evidence of her stealth, of her victory. And the younger one? She will not know of her defeat for some time.

Kelsey Luvleeey

Laurel Stooped

Revising the Parenting Handbook

Laurel Milestones | Apr 22, 2008

In the How To Raise Laurel handbook, I have noted the challenges of day-to-day activities involving my amazing four year old. Getting her to put on clothing appropriate for going out into the world is a daily challenge. Getting her to go to the potty is a challenge, and one I have decided to give up on, as we’re locked in a power struggle. It’s not a struggle *I* can win. The only way to win here is for Laurel to take control and give up the fight. I tell myself this every day. I’m trying to be patient with this.

PrincessesLast night, we had a huge meltdown because it was Kelsey’s night to pick out the book. Today’s meltdown is about Laurel’s clothing to go to the dentist. Nothing unusual here. And then she has another meltdown because Kelsey won’t let her get in on her side of the car.

Both Kelsey and I are refusing to take the path of least resistance with Laurel and let her have her way all the time. I can tell, as Kelsey asserts herself, that she tires of all the battles and tantrums. It’s important to Kelsey that she doesn’t always give in to her sister. Part of me wishes she would in this case, but I need to let K have her own relationship with L instead of negotiating every exchange.

At the dentist, Laurel runs around like a crazy thing while I am trying to schedule a return visit for Kelsey’s mouth full of cavities. This is very unlike Laurel, as she is usually very well behaved in public places. Then, on the way out, she decides to make us wait while she counts every chair in the office before exiting. THEN, she runs back and forth on the sidewalk in front of the car, grinning at me while I’m doing the 1-2-3 count. Finally, she gets in and I strap her into her seat.

We drive to a store to fax some documents for Allen’s new employer, and I am waiting for both girls to get out so that I can push the lock button on my side, as my remote is broken. Laurel doesn’t move. I wait. She doesn’t move or say anything. Finally, at the end of my patience, I reach over and undo her seat belt and motivate her physically to get out of the car, as she slumps like a boneless chicken.

“Are you punishing me for something?” I ask, my voice frustrated.

“You wouldn’t let me wear the glass slippers” she mumbles around fingers stuck into her mouth. Big sad eyes look up at me.

Flashback to 2 hours ago: While trying to get kids out the door, I see Laurel in a pink dress, crown, and dress-up heels. I can deal with the crown. I mean, how many little girls do you see walking around with a crown on? Probably a few at least, right? But the dress up shoes are clicky, and too big, and plastic with no rubber on the soles. Not appropriate footwear for leaving the house. I ask her to please put on her shoes, and she refuses. Curls up in a ball on the floor and whines. So, I get her shoes and socks, put them on her while she is in said position, and muscle everyone out the door so that we aren’t late for our appointment.

All this plays through my mind as I’m walking my kids across the street to fax the documents.

“So, you’re sad and angry that I wouldn’t let you wear the dress-up shoes, and THAT is the reason for this behavior?”

“Uh huh,” she replies.

My child is getting her vengeance. And maybe she’s justified.

There are some things I know I need to tirelessly fight for: Parking lot safety, appropriate behavior in public places, crossing streets, required parental permission before going anywhere out of my range of vision — things where the common element is the safety of my children.

And then there are the other things.

The manual for Laurel has been updated with a note, suggesting that fighting over things such as wardrobe are in the “Is it really worthwhile” column. Yes, the glass slippers are an injury-waiting-to-happen. But, they are also important to the way she wants to identify herself. What’s the better road to take? Let her wear the dress-up shoes and risk the possibility of a boo boo. OR, take the dress-up shoes away, and with it you take away a child’s fantasy, her sense of power, of identity.

Suddenly, I am the evil stepmother, and Cinderella is a sad little four year old who will never become a princess.

Our Footprint

Change, Journal | Apr 19, 2008

I’ve been using up a lot of spare brain cycles on wanting to find ways to reduce my family’s use of resources and our footprint on this earth. We’re most likely heading into a recession, both as a family (ha ha) and as a nation, so I figure some serious forethought will go a long way toward not only reducing our impact on our environment, but also on our finances.

This is rather long. If you’re reading it from a feed or other source, I apologize! I can’t seem to do a cut with this version of wordpress.

I checked out this site to see what our current consumption of natural resources looks like, to get an idea of our starting point. Here is a synopsis of our life as it is today. For an explanation of the measurement system used here, please read this. Basically, the measurements are in global acres, which is the approximate number of acres it takes to sustain the rate at which you’re using up earth’s resources. At the rate our family is going now, it would take 4+ earths to sustain life on this planet if everyone lived at our same usage.

Carbon footprint
I drive approximately 60 miles per day to transport kids to and from school. Together, Allen and I probably put 10,000 miles on one car, and close to that on the other car, per year in our current housing situation. We live on the outskirts of Greensboro, in a rural area. We thought we’d love it. It’s quiet, and the sun sets in our backyard every evening. But the cost in terms of fossil fuels used is pretty high. So, our carbon footprint is much higher than we’d like. Right now, with our current lifestyle, our carbon footprint equates to about 59.4 global acres/year. The national average is 91.4, so we’re far below the norm. But there is much room for improvement that will translate to big changes for our family in the coming years. More on that in a minute.

Food footprint (and some carbon)
We buy organic when we can, but we also have to be cost-conscious. And, unfortunately, buying organics and local foods can be expensive, both because of the higher price, and the fact that we have to drive out of our way to get them. The availability of good local produce is low. We can get some seasonal vegetables at our local farmer’s market, but not near enough of the fruits we consume can be found from local farms. We’re doing what we can afford. And I consider where the produce is coming from before I buy. I’ll buy oranges from Florida rather than California, because the amount of fossil fuels used to transport the fruit to my area is part of the equation. Although we live in a rural area, most of the farms in our area produce corn (not food grade, mostly) or tobacco. There is a strawberry farm nearby, but that provides a favorite fruit for just a few weeks of the year. There were more roadside stands in Rhode Island than there are here, a fact that puzzles me quite a bit, with all this land around us. Our food footprint equates to 42.9 acres/year. The national average is 65.7. If we were staying put, I would plant a vegetable and herb garden to help offset that number. We have a .75-acre lot, and there is plenty of space. But we’re not staying. Which brings me to talking about our house.

Housing footprint
We have far too much space for our family. Our meager, hand-me-down furnishings look lonely in our sprawling 2,400 square foot brand-new house. It’s more space than we need. We have central heat/air, and we try to keep the thermostat set at a reasonable temperature. It’s a very efficient house, as it’s new, so our bills are not terribly high. But the fact that we have so much space feels wasteful, and heating/cooling this much space is a definite burden. In addition, we have a lawn, and there is pressure from our neighborhood housing association to upkeep our lawn, both for the home values of our neighbors and ourselves, and to sell more houses in our development. I used to think I wanted more space, because I don’t like crowded rooms. And I thought I wanted a yard — room to run and play. But it takes gasoline in our lawn mower to keep this lawn trimmed, and watering is sometimes necessary. IF I want less crowded rooms, I need to simplify our furnishings instead and find a way to use storage space more efficiently. And if I want to run and play, I need to bring my kids to a nearby park. Overall, our housing footprint is too high, at 29.6 acres/year, close to the national average of 31.6. I’m not proud to be your average American in this regard. This number needs serious slashing.

Goods/Services Footprint
We recycle everything. Our community supports recycling, and most times our recycling trash is far more than our regular household trash. We buy recycled paper products when we can, and we don’t replace things in our house unless they cease working. We’ve had no new furniture, choosing instead to recycle furniture from friends or family, except for 6 dining room chairs I’ll be giving away before we move. Currently, our goods/services footprint equates to about 27.4 acres/year. The national average is 57.4, so we’re moving in the right direction here.

Big changes
All of this brings me to the exciting part! Change! It is happening now!

Allen is now living in Arlington, staying with friends. He began working last week at an awesome company in nearby Cambridge, and he is very happy. He flew for this relocation, as there is a dearth of affordable parking in the area he’s staying. He bought a monthly public transportation pass for the Boston area, allowing him unlimited travel on public transport to get around. He can take the bus or subway to most of his destinations. The cost is low, compared to the cost of gas and maintenance and (increasing) costs of insurance. Once we join him, we’ll be selling one of our cars. So our fuel/insurance prices will be cut almost in half.

And the carbon footprint should be changing as well. We’re relocating to a city, so shopping is closer, schools are in walking distance, public transportation is abundant and cheap. We won’t have to spend excessive amounts of money and fuel traveling to see grandparents, as my family is within a 20-mile drive instead of an 800-mile drive. Of course, we’ll still have to travel to Florida/Alabama once a year at least to see Allen’s side of the family, but we’ll try to stagger that with their visits to us to cut down costs.

We’ll be moving into an apartment with a smaller amount of square footage, which should mean a decrease in the amount of energy we consume to heat/cool. This is not guaranteed, as we don’t know about the apartment’s efficiency elements or medium of heating yet. But we’ll do our best.

There are a number of local farms that have co-ops in the Boston area, so getting fresh produce during the growing season should be somewhat easy. Since we consume almost no meat now, having adopted a mostly vegetarian diet for health reasons, the way we eat has seen a dramatic change. We don’t consume red meat at all, and very little chicken or pork. Some friends of ours are doing a meat co-op, and if we DID want to consume some meat, we could help support local farmers. We’ll continue to make conscious decisions about where our food comes from, hoping to support local agriculture or at least throw our money at companies that transport food to us with the least amount of fossil fuels possible.

As far as our goods used, we already use such things as Craig’s List, yard sales, friends, freecycle, and EBay to get slightly used things for our home. And I’m a huge fan of buying from Salvation Army or other non-profit companies for things such as clothing and furniture. In return, we donate our used things back into the system as much as possible, trying to reduce the landfill space it takes to accommodate our waste.

Overall, our upcoming move will help decrease our current usage of natural resources from a rate of approximately 160 acres/year to 101/year. We hope to keep decreasing that number as much as possible, through conscientious decision making and finding ways to offset our uses of natural resources.

What are YOU doing? Do you have suggestions for other ways we can help?

Conversations with a big girl

Kelsey Milestones | Apr 18, 2008

K a 6

The last few conversations with Kelsey, for posterity:

Bob
Both girls have long been interested in the story of my father, who passed away in 1998. We talk about him as though he is present, which he very much is. Kelsey asked me the other day if my father was proud of me. It was a difficult question to answer. I had to extrapolate! But he always was proud of me, and I know he would be today. At the end of our discussion, K said “I miss Bob. I wish I could meet him.” It’s amazing to me how even people not present physically in our lives still take up so much space.

Discipline
Kelsey asked me if we could go to her old school to tell Ms. B that she should stop threatening the kids with “getting on yellow” and be more kind. She was very adamant about this, as I think she wanted to save her former classmates from the trauma of the green light, yellow light, red light system of school discipline. I asked her if she’d like to write about it. I hope her new school next year follows a different system.

Belief
Allen and I constantly try to shift our kids’ thinking away from stuck patterns of thought that seem to be consistent with the traditional paradigm of Christianity they are getting in their schools. I challenge them to try to think in different ways. It’s working. When I gave Kelsey “fairy kisses” on her cheek at goodnight time, and she responded “Fairies aren’t real,” she quickly edited her response to, instead, “It’s opinion that fairies aren’t real,” which, believe me, is a big step. I think it’s working to keep them a little shaken up, so that they don’t equate the things they’re learning with “truth” or what is “real.” Progress is being made to grow children who honor everyone’s beliefs and treat them with respect. Yay us!

Winning and losing
With thanks to K’s soccer coach, we now talk about how one wins at something, and how one loses. We don’t want to go the uber froo froo route of saying “everyone wins, and no one loses,” because, well, competitive sports begin at this age, and I think they are healthy. When she gets mad because she lost at tag (when she plays with the big kids), and I say to her, “Kelsey, how do you win at this game?” her reply is “By having fun. And I lose when I’m NOT having fun.” This lesson is helping in many phases of parenting Kelsey, a competitive child who is also highly emotional. And, really, it’s a good lesson for the overly motivational soccer parents on the sidelines, too.

I think I might do this more often. Some amazing conversations have passed between us, and I want to record them to remember K, version 6.01.

They are eating my brain

*sigh*, Bad Mommy Day | Apr 16, 2008

Day 5 of single parenting, and I have decided that I would rather be a Las Vegas showgirl than a single mother.

I can’t believe I just said those words.

And to all the moms and dads out there who do (or did) this single parenting thing full-time, all the time: you are amazing. *salutes you* (Yes, Mom, I include you in this, so you can lay off the guilt trip in the comments section)

I am an extrovert. It’s who I am. I can do the taking care of my children, the long hours of keeping myself occupied by housecleaning, packing, reading a book, doing laundry. I am extremely competent, reliable, responsible, and independent. But my brain needs feeding. I haven’t had a conversation that didn’t involve either poop or washable crayons for DAYS. I am almost to the point of stopping strangers on the side of the road to strike up a conversation. Pretty much anyone over 46 pounds will do.

My neighbor just ran from me in the midst of a somewhat inane conversation I was struggling to prolong, saying over her shoulder that she was letting me go so I could make dinner for my kids.

“Kids?” I say, the note of desperation bordering on creepy. “They don’t need dinner. I have granola bars. Would you like some Cabernet? I have …cake???”

How was YOUR morning?

Bad Mommy Day | Apr 15, 2008

Today, I am full of fail. But I can’t blame anyone but myself. I must exude fail today, like a musk, and everything that encounters my failstench has to make with the bashing. Or something.

The morning routine does not go well. Both girls fight getting out of bed like ferocious nocturnal things. I had to drag kids fighting and crying down the stairs to breakfast, coerce and threaten them into dressing, including forcing a skirt on my younger child’s body, who is enraged that the skirt is not a sun dress. It’s 35 degrees out. Tights and long sleeves today. She hits me. I scream at her. Because I don’t hit. I compromise on a wardrobe piece, and we move on to the next challenge: shoe choice. *sigh*

It takes the older child 10 minutes to slip on jeans and shirt. And 5 more to get socks and shoes on.

Meanwhile, I am taking the dog out, feeding her, getting my computer ready to go, making lunches, cleaning up breakfast, making sure the house looks nice in case they bring people to look at the house today, getting jackets and shoes, packing the car with our stuff, grabbing something for myself to eat on the way out.

The girls are ordered out the door. They slowly do so.

The fight continues in the front yard, where I have to comb my older child’s hair, as the only comb is in the car. She whines and fights and cries that she is cold. SHE had refused to put on her coat, and she was dealing with the consequences. Or rather, I was. I finally finish, get both kids in the car, get older kid to school. I find out when we get there, 20 minutes later, that the younger child was not buckled in the entire trip. She decides to tell me once we’re there. I thank all that is holy that I was driving in the right lane when that guy slammed on his brakes in front of me. Because if I had been in the left lane, I would have a very hurt preschooler. I berate myself internally to the point of tears while waiting for my children to get out of the car.

The older child is the opposite of speed to do anything this morning. It seriously takes her 5 minutes to get out of the car. I get to cry quietly to myself for 5 minutes without anyone seeing me, so go me.

We’re 4 minutes late for school.

I snuggle clingy older child, get her to join circle time, and dash out, carrying reticent younger child. Bring younger child to school. I place her in the classroom, pry off her fingers, turn to dash, and she jumps at me like a cougar, clutching at my sweater and hair as though I were a limb and she were a … drowning cougar. Teacher behind her grabs her and then, inexplicably, lets her go, to almost send me flying, and resulting in my child bashing her head on the door frame. I request a cold compress for the goose egg popping up on her forehead, and I sit in the hall at school, applying cold to the swelling. I try again to separate from her, but there is no one to help me transition her, and she is beside herself with sadness. “But if you leave, I’ll be all alone” she says.

I take her home.

Happy husband jumps online from his new job 800 miles away to tell me he’s happy, with exclamation points!

I want to break something with a hammer.

We’ll call her Stubby!


Chasing bubbles
Some may ask why there are always more photos of my younger daughter in my gallery. Some even hint that maybe I LOVE one more than the other, or that I play favoritism.

I don’t play favoritism. I charge for it. I take cash only, as you just can’t trust the credit of kids these days. My children will always know that the only true way to be a favorite in my heart is to pay me.

The real reason there are more photos of my wee one than my older one? Because the little one moves slower than the older one. Yep. That’s it. But why, besides shorter legs, does she move so slowly? Perhaps because she was held too much as a baby. Maybe her mother neglected her development by carrying her around in a sling 24 hours a day. It’s that whole attachment parenting thing, isn’t it? Yeah, you’ve been waiting with your Itoldyousos, haven’t you?

Well, we took L to the physical therapist to see if we could figure out why this child doesn’t like running much, and why she falls on her face whenever she tries. Lots of people tried to tell me that it’s just a lack of grace. I mean, genetically, she didn’t ever stand much of a chance, did she? Her father can fall over just by standing still.

We found out that our younger child has one leg that is 1/8 inch shorter than the other leg. And so, running puts her off balance, and she goes sprawling onto her face. It’s just not something I ever even considered. Yet, there it is. The physical therapist showed me the difference in length, and I felt like a complete fool. Of course. So that’s why she has that weird, jaunty little jog! Poor kid is off-kilter!

Yes, there is something we can do about it. She will be getting *inserts in her shoes very soon to take care of the imbalance and the pronation. The physical therapist thinks this may have happened as a result of the great tibia fracture of 2005. It was a key developmental time for growth, and what grows bones, you ask? Compression. And since she was favoring the leg (and in a cast for 2 months), compression didn’t happen, so the other leg got all the work and did all the growing. With the inserts, she should feel more confident in running and should fall less. Her next big growth spurt (around age 6/7) should take care of the problem. And, it’s not like she’ll live a less amazing life if it doesn’t. Do we really need to be graceful runners to have a full life?

I think I’ll sign her up for swim classes. :)

*The inserts issue deserves its own post, which I will write soon.

Jacob’s Creek Cabernet Sauvignon 2005

Journal, Vino | Mar 20, 2008

I just had a glass of wine that may make me fall in love with Cabernets again. And inspired me to actually write these words — that hasn’t happened in awhile. I don’t think I’ve enjoyed a glass of Cabernet so much since the 2001 Estancia.

Lately, in my sporadic wine drinking, I’ve been flirting with shiraz and pinot, looking for that bottle I want to talk about — affordable AND tasty.

But this Cab is definitely on my list. If you love bold reds with amazing taste, go find yourself a bottle of Jacob’s Creek Cabernet Sauvignon 2005. Complex fruity, amazing balance, smooth finish. Wow. And under $20. I paid $9 for it.

Apparently, I’m not the only one to rave.

In 2007, it won the Bronze award at Decanter World Wine, the Bronze from the San Fran Wine Competition, the Silver at Pacific Rim International Wine Competition, the Silver award from Tasters Guild International Wine Judging and the Double Gold from the International Eastern Wine Competition.

Queen of No-Pants Land


My four-year-old has declared her independence from pants. As well, she would like to be liberated of all shirts that have collars or turtlenecks, and any long-sleeved shirts where the sleeves are too long. Rolling up the sleeves is not acceptable.

In addition, she will not wear the color white. Even if there is white as a minimal design element in the print, it will not be welcomed on to her body. Yellow is close behind white. It will be permitted in certain instances, like in the company of flowers.

Only dresses and skirts will adorn her little form. In addition, she would like to wear tights around the clock.

If sports are to be played, she may consider wearing a skort. But not if she chooses instead to wear the red plaid skirt with the hot pink tights to soccer practice, where she will run around and kick a ball as long as she chooses to before declaring sports to be over. At which time, she would like to be seated, with snacks, to watch the other children play. If someone would like to bring her a ball, and welcome her to kick it into the goal, without anyone touching her, getting in her way, or prompting her to do so, she may oblige.

I am constantly amazed at this stubborn little person in my life, who makes every day colorful and challenging and wonderful.

L, rocking in plaid!

My man, he rocks.

Journal, Photo of the Day | Feb 28, 2008

Guess what I got my best friend for his birthday?

I haven’t seen him much lately since I bought him an XBox (with thanks to Brian and Alden for giving me lots of good information about what system I should get). He used birthday money from all the parents to buy himself Guitar Hero.

The girls have taken to singing, at every spare minute, “I wanna rock and roll all night, and party every day!” This amuses me greatly, but I’m a little concerned about what their teachers think.

Allen, rocking out